A Collapse In Praise of Hawks

Let the record show that young Kevin Cash had a pretty good outing in his first game behind the plate for Tim Wakefield. Sure, there were some passed balls and a pair of successfully stolen bases (Alex Rios should have been out if Dustin Pedroia had slapped the tag on him correctly), but Cash did a good job "catching the flies with a pair of chopsticks" as Saint Dougie used to say.


Still, sometimes it's better not to dwell on all the negatives, like, after a seventh-inning breakdown when the previously untouchable Manny Delcarmen gives back a game the Blue Jays were trying to lose. Egghhhh. WMYM is getting a little pissed just thinking about it again.

So, instead WMYM is going to think about Hawks. And how Fenway Park needs more of them.

That's right, by now we're sure that all of you have read about the friendly red-tailed hawk that made a nest just below the press box in Fenway over the winter. And you've read about how it's nest was removed on Friday after it dive-bombed a middle school student touring the park earlier this week. And you've heard that her name was - and presumably still is - Alexa Rodriguez. Well, good. You're up to date.

Except for one detail, while everyone else is out bashing the hawk, we're ready to go Gilooly on one particular middle school spectator. That's right, WMYM is blaming this on Alexa Rodriguez.

Look, clearly the hawk knows the season is coming. It's been watching construction workers and people being busy around the part the last few weeks, and after a nice winter alone it's clearly worried that it's about to be evicted. Face it, you'd be worried, too. That's some prime real estate, and there's no way that a hawk can afford a little loft above anything on Boylston Street. Those prices are just preposterous.

So what's a hawk to do? That's easy: PROVE your loyalty. And that's exactly what this hawk did. He thought he was attacking A-Rod. Really, he was. It was just the wrong A-Rod. Can you blame him? What the hell, he's a hawk?

Clearly, Alexa Rodriguez should have seen this coming. If YOU have the last name of Rodriguez, and your first initial is A, and you're 13 FREAKING YEARS OLD, you shouldn't go anywhere near Fenway unless you're draped in Boston gear. Head to toe. Just look at the pictures, there's no red on that go. Tisk tisk.

So it's her fault, end of story. Of course, WMYM is absolutely, positively joking about this. We'd be monsters to advocate hawk attacks on A-Rod. We'll, maybe we'd do it for that A-Rod, but not middle schoolers. You get the gist.

Oh yeah, grades. We'll here you go:

STARTING PITCHING:  √-
Not a bad outing for Wake, who got things started in the form of a solid √+, until one really rough inning. That, of course, is when it all came undone. What's a knuckleballer to do. He gets shellshocked from a huge Matt Stairs bomb, lets the Jays string together a few hits and then gets victimized by a Jacoby Errorsbury. Que sera, sera.

MIDDLE RELIEF: -
Well, WMYM can't believe it's writing this, but guess who looks like he's sticking around come Sunday? Bryan Corey. He was the only one of the "in danger" trio who performed tonight, with an impressive strike out. David Aarrdsma? Not so much (cough, walk, cough). Javier Lopez? Not so much ... again (bizarre hit, cough, bizarre hit).

SET-UP RELIEF: -
Sorry Manny Delcarmen, but that was a rough one. Proving that even relievers that are cruising along can have off nights. Just consider this an off night dude. Don't make it regular.

CLOSER: N/A

LINEUP: √-
This would easily be a straight - if not for a miraculous swing by J.D. Drew. Yes, J.D. Drew. Other than that, the Sox made young Shawn Marcum from rural Kansas City look like, hmmm, John Smoltz in his prime? How else can you explain that? No patience, an opponent's middle of the rotation starter cruising and the bats just going completely nocturnal. Actually, what's later than nocturnal, this was a 7 p.m. start. Dracula? Can bats go Dracula? WMYM likes that image, we're sticking with it.

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